the elephant in the blog

So I have gained a few loyal readers since the introduction of My Lovely Life and there is no secret among us as to why this blog was started. I haven’t ignored it or purposively written around it, I just needed a place to remind me of what I do have, a visual that had become a necessity. Our struggles continue, in a far more private manor, today, and I suspect in some ways our entire life. I will say that this has been an education like no other, nothing else could have taught me more about life then these 2+ years have. I have had a truly blessed supportive circle around me trying to help in so many different ways, some working others not but with a heart of good intention. Recently I learned of one of those ways and it got me thinking how tough it is to brooch the situation for most, sometimes down right uncomfortable. I hope it isn’t inappropriate, but I’d like to write about things that do help, things people can say to me or anyone going through this life altering situation. I know this sounds weird but I’ve been on the other side of many awkward faces recently, watching them search for just the right thing to say which doesn’t exist by the way so give your self a break!

So here it is my Top 10 do’s and don’t's for talking to an infertile….

DO simply say “that sucks” or any other four letter word that suits the situation. I have one friend that I talk in depth with about this subject(as she understands from a sadly personal level) and the best thing she has ever said to me was thats fucked up. Simple. to the point. Exactly how I feel.

DON’T tell me about your neighbors sisters friends coworkers grandmothers dog who couldn’t get pregnant and finally did after 7 miscarriages and 4 failed IVF’s. This comes from the most sincere place and is also the easiest go to when the topic comes up. I love the thought behind it but everyone is different, all situations are different and far too many times I’ve compared my situation to the neighbors sisters friends coworkers grandmothers dog and have been disappointed.

DO ask me about it, bring it up, be interested, don’t avoid it, it’s like talking to some one with a huge piece of spinach between their teeth and not telling them, it’s just rude, and gross actually! It’s OK to ask how we are, we’ll tell you if we don’t want to talk but most of the time I’m an open book on the topic, wish more people were.

DONT tell me you have the opposite problem, that if you just look at a pennis you get pregnant, don’t be so shocked, people, many people have actually gone there, more then once. I don’t get it just has much as you but it happens, never by any of you but I swear it’s happened. Your explanation of excess fertility is like a skinny girls telling a fat girl “I need to loose weight“, yeah thats happened to me too. There should be a whole other planet for these people.

DO understand when I have to turn done an invitation or can’t join in on all the reindeer games, or don’t send Christmas cards, or don’t reply to baby announcements (yes we’ve received them), or can’t call you back, or call you in the first place. This is a toughy for me, it’s the part of me that I miss the most, I love a good party and more then that I love to through a good party, yes I can hear all the Martha jokes! I love supporting my friends and family through all their adventures and triumphs, to talk on the phone for hours about nothing, watching little league games, or making my homemade Christmas cards (that I know everyone keeps for ever and ever) it’s just that we can’t right now. I’m more then convinced that we will be those people again, and because of that I’m OK with who we are right now, temporarily. We are surrounded by so much love I don’t know if we’ll ever grasp it all. Also please know that Mr. Aschero and I aren’t sitting around sulking and feeling sorry for ourselves, not all the time anyway;), it’s just that sometimes we are the only ones who know how we’re feeling and sometimes we just need that.

DON’T: stop inviting us to things, or calling or writing, we will one day again crash all your parties, Rob being the boring sober guy in the corner going on and on about the economy (love you babe, but it’s true) and me being the girl who thinks she can drink as much as the guy beside her only to be found asleep in your bed a few hours later, yeah that day will come soon!

DO: Make us laugh, it’s the best medicine since xanax, we are always in need of a good laugh, even if it’s a bad joke we’ll just laugh at you for telling a bad joke!

DON’T keep it from us. Rob got a pregnancy announcement the other day that started with “I have some bad news”. There is nothing about a baby being conceived that is a bad thing, it just sucks for us (please reference DO number 1). People with very good intentions try to keep these joyous occasions from us, and I truly understand why, but if you think about it, we probably need more time with the idea then most. People want to say it’s so unfair that it’s not our turn and that someone else is pregnant before us (I know I say it everyday myself) and it is true that I wish it was me but I also hate that I’m left out of the excitement. Whats really unfair is that I am usually the first one to buy a baby gift or send a card or check on belly size on a regular basis and I miss having the strength to do that. I still want to know when people close to us are expecting (no need for all the details of course;)!). I won’t lye, it hurts so bad knowing someone got what we so desperately want and have worked so hard to get, but it hurts more when it’s hidden from us. It’s ok for me to know, after 2 years of this I’ve developed a pretty thick skin and a strong heart, I just can’t run out and buy a giant baby bottle filled with candies just yet. We are happy for others news but sad for our lack of news.

DO: take me on a vacation around the world to get my mind off things! (or a movie would be great too)

DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T tell me just to relax, oh my gosh! Unless you want to watch a face turn 8 shades of red in 20 seconds, keep this one to your self. I will refrain from including all the studies that have been done on this topic and just simple say there is no relaxing, trust me, I’ve spent many hours in therapy to learn this, there is no relaxing in baby making, not after 2 years 4 losses and 782 nervous breakdowns, there is no relaxing! These is breathing, walking, dogs, husbands, friends, projects at work, chocolate, wine, neighbors with wine, Mexican blankets(yes I have a “security” blanket of sorts, not proud but it helps), more chocolate, Tivo, days spent in bed with said Tivo, but no relaxing.

DO know that I could not have gotten through all of this with out all the love and support and kindness and prayers and thoughts and random notes in the mail and hugs and offers to go the doctors visits and the understanding and the hikes with the girls and the dogs and the times we were left alone and the looks of “I’m here for you” with no words and the flowers and watching of the dogs so we can escape the east coast and the long lunches and days off to go for procedures and the ambush of some amazing girls getting me out of bed and back to work and the 1-2 word texts letting me know your walking this with me, and the energy that comes from so many that want this to happen for us, it is powerful and it’s felt. Thank you. Love you.